Time Out for Humor

You will find nothing academic or informative on this page, but I think you'll enjoy it. I have fun trying to decide which anecdotes and jokes to share each month, and it's the one and only spot where I'm NEVER short of material. I would invite you to send me your favorite kid stories, but I'm afraid I might never find the space to publish your submissions. So...I guess this link belongs to me.

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Time Out

Jeff Foxworthy on Teachers...

1. You're probably a teacher if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

2. You're probably a teacher if you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."

3. You're probably a teacher if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

4. You're probably a teacher if you can tell it's a full moon or if it's going to rain, snow, hail...anything!!! without ever looking outside.

5. You're probably a teacher if you believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card.

6. You're probably a teacher if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

7. You're probably a teacher if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

8. You're probably a teacher if you have no social life between August and June.

9. You're probably a teacher if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

10. You're probably a teacher if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

11. You're probably a teacher if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".

12. You're probably a teacher if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.

13. You're probably a teacher if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

14. You're probably a teacher if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students' chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

15. You're probably a teacher if meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

16. You're probably a teacher if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

17. You're probably a teacher if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs for that matter!

18. You're probably a teacher if the words "I have a college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth.

19. You're probably a teacher if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

And finally — Jacquie McTaggart on Teachers...

You're probably a teacher if you chuckled while reading Foxworthy's entries, but you know deep down that the classroom is where you're meant to be.

Kids' Respond to the question, "What does love mean?"

• When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
  Rebecca — age 8

• When someone loves you, they say your name different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
  Billy — age 4

• Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
  Karl — age 5

• Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
  Chrissy — age 6

• Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
  Terri — age 4

• Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
  Danny — age 7

• Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
  Emily — age 8

• Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
  Bobby — age 7

• If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
  Nikka — age 6

• Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
  Noelle — age 7

• Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
  Tommy — age 6

• During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and I saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. That's love.
  Cindy — age 8

• My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
  Clare — age 6

• Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.
  Elaine — age 5

• Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
  Chris — age 7

• Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
  Mary Ann — age 4

• I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
  Lauren — age 4

• When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
  Karen — age 7

• Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.
  Mark — age 6

• You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
  Jessica — age 8

• And finally...
  A four-year old child's next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

  Some time later the mother asked her son what he had said to the neighbor. "Nothing," the little boy said, I just helped him cry." NOW THAT'S LOVE!

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And last... From the mouths of two "Little Shavers" from Iowa:

Tennie Carlson of Stratford took her son to the doctor for his kindergarten physical. After checking in at the receptionist's window they were given a cup to use for the young lad's urine sample. As mother and son walked to the bathroom, Tennie explained what they were going to do and why it needed to be done.

After the bathroom door had been closed and the mission was accomplished, the wide-eyed five-year-old looked up at his mom and with quivering lips said, "Now do I have to drink it?"

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Leota Jochins of West Des Moines took her 4-year-old son, Jim, to his uncle's wedding. The bride, whose father was deceased, was being "given away" by her brother.

When the organist began playing the traditional wedding processional everyone stood and faced the back of the church. Suddenly, and without warning, little Jimmy slapped his head and loudly exclaimed, "Oh, no! That's not Uncle Bart. She's marrying the wrong man."